I struggle, I can't even lie. I have a very tough time defeating my impatient attitude. Plus, I'm domineering, and that, my friends, is a recipe for disaster. I've battled it for years, but having kids is like adding fuel to the fire. It's not that I always blow up at my boys. They just bring so much to the table: other kids, and their parents, their teachers, their sports' coaches. It can be a nightmare for a guy like me.
The root of the problem is that I'm emotional. No, I don't cry all the time. Matter of fact, I have a hard time crying. I can cry, and I have. It's just hard. But I act on emotion, that's what I mean by emotional.
The conclusion I've come to is that emotions are evil.
They can cause you to have an attitude with the church secretary. They can help damage a relationship with a close friend. One that takes years to repair. They can even cause you to follow someone to the Lowe's parking lot to give them a piece of your mind because they wouldn't let you merge.
I hate learning from my own mistakes. Though, I do appreciate the learning. I hate it coming from my own mistakes. You live and learn, right? Well, humility goes in there somewhere, and that's the most difficult part.
Emotions are a difficult thing to harness. Like trying to coral a wild colt. Seriously. I have literally felt the Holy Spirit yelling at me not to make that phone call or not to send that email. It's a feeling I'm very familiar with. I'm so familiar with it that I'm getting much better.
"That's it, that's the feeling. You know this, Nick. Don't fight it. Hang up the phone. Don't hit send. You'll thank me tomorrow."
It's very hard, but I know that I know that I know that I should stop immediatly. Most of the time I do. Didn't use to. I live with alot of regret. I'm not sure why I hold onto those mistakes, but I do. As I get older I let them go a little easier. Maybe it's because there are less of them.
Even disciplining the boys - I can tell when I'm going too far. When the punishment doesn't fit the crime. And when I'm harping too much.
"You're gonnnnna regreeeeet thiiiiis"
Have you ever appreciated something you hate?
It's kinda like that paragraph I write every morning. I hate it. It's more of a reminder of the person I was yesterday than the person I want to be today. The goal is to become a better person... And once I've finished writing it I feel good about myself.
I go to the gym to be in better shape. To be healthy. There are many other things, less productive things I'd rather be doing. But I know the gym is good for me.
Just another struggle I have. The gym is not fun.
As I continue to improve, I see others around me who don't seem to care about the person they are. Makes me wonder if that's how I was viewed. You never know, maybe they are working on it. Quite possibly they aren't.
Sure, I wish I didn't struggle with anything, But we all do. One thing I don't struggle with is knowing just how imperfect I am. Which is what makes me so different.
The very minute that I become complacent, I become average.
And I refuse to be average. I refuse to be exactly how I am for the rest of my life.